The discipline part

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Het volgende verhaal schreef ik een jaar geleden maar het is vandaag nog even waar. Ik weet niet zeker of ik echt vooruitgang heb geboekt, maar ik weet wel dat ik een beetje vooruit ben gekomen. Vandaag wilde ik eigenlijk een aantal analoge foto’s delen maar ze zijn nog niet klaar. Terwijl ik me afvroeg waarom ik niet voorbereid ben op dit soort situaties, kwam ik dit schrijfsel weer tegen. Een goed moment om hem te delen:

I’ve come to realize in the last few days that I’m not as disciplined as I always thought I was.  There are so many things I want to do but I don’t.

For example:
– Taking time to talk with God every day
– Make art
– Photograph more
– Blog regularly
– Spend less time on the computer

From time to time I get this sort of revelation about knowing what I should do. Like ‘wait, I got to make art based on music I love, I’m gonna finish something every week’. And at that moment I truly believe that I will actually do this.  But I never do.

It frustrates me how sad I am. How much time I waste. Sometimes I make lists of stuff I could do when I got time for it. But even that doesn’t work. It makes me realize how little in life I have control over. How dependent I am of my moods and time.

Sometimes it seems like life is scared of the discipline part. And is fighting it with all it’s might.

This life seems so chaotic. And I feel like I don’t do as I should. But as I look back on my life up until now I see that it was not all wasting time. I did achieve some goals I had. I just didn’t really realize I was at the moment.

To me it’s always a comfort to know that there’s a God who knows more than I. Who will make happen what he wants to make happen. Who, thank goodness, doesn’t have to rely on my discipline. The thought of His presence makes me accept my foolishness and helps me to let go of my frustration.

I’m still working on the discipline part. And I hope to get better at it as life moves on. I want to fight for it with everything I am. I want to beat the lazy, selfish, easy life that grabs me every time again.

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